Horror Movie Rules For Survival

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

3. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

4. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

5. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

6. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

8. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

9. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

10. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

11. Do not take anything from the dead.

12. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Don't stop and look around.

13. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

14. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

15. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

16. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

17. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. Likewise, if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill, stay in the car. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a full tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

18. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

19. Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be. Never listen to any music that contains staccato shrieking violins.

20. If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.

21. Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block things on your work surface.

22. Look at the film credits and paycheck for the other cast members, the higher the paycheck and/or the greater the number of films the more likely that cast member to survive. Therefore stay with them.

23. The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat. (This is similar to the war movie rule about the guy with the picture of his fiancée.)

24. The guy with the testosterone overdose is usually dead meat.

25. If any of your companions (male and female) have elevators that don't reach the top floor, stay away from them. They are dead meat.

26. When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on!

27. Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.

And here's a tip for any evil madmen/master criminals; next time you're holding a British
secret agent or other protagonist at gunpoint, stop talking and shoot him, you might win.

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