Campfire Tales

Duo's Tale by Yoiko

"MY turn!" Duo cried, tossing off his blanket as he jumped up to stand in front of the fire. "Once upon a time--"

"It's supposed to be a spooky story, not a fairy tale!" James interrupted.

"If you'd been written as a fairy half as often as I have-!" Duo started, but Aya jumped up and smacked him.

"Thanks, I needed that," Duo said, rubbing his cheek.

"Just tell the story," Aya growled. Duo tossed his head, and began again.

"It was a dark and spooky night, Ok? Sheesh. There was a fanfic writer. A girl. A whole group of them, even. They loved writing the crappy kind of stories you find in crappy Harlequin books. And they had this favorite bishonen, see, and in every story they wrote they made him this brainless, crying, bouncing, giggling FREAK who acted just like a lobotomized 16-year-old girl in a boy mask!"

"Gee, could this be anyone we know?" Yuki asked, smirking.

"Shaddup!" Duo snapped; Yuki calmly pulled out a cigarette and lit it. "Anyway, it wasn't bad enough that they wrote this poor, innocent bishonen as though he was brain-dead, oh, NO! They had to go farther, and have him gang-raped! Repeatedly! And sometimes he ended up PREGNANT!"

"This sounds vaguely familiar," Nuriko snickered.


"So what happened after that?" James asked.

"They started competing with each other to see who could come up with the sickest rape scenario. They had that poor bishonen raped by friends, family, church members, animals, household appliances, sentient mecha..."

"Sentient MECHA?"

"That'd hurt..."

"SHUT! UP! In the end, the poor bishonen had been so badly abused in fanfics that he lost touch with who he really was! And he'd lapse into that Godawful fanon characterization sometimes and his friends would have to smack him and-"


"Thanks, I needed that."

"Go on, Duo, we're still listening," Riki said.

"Yeah, what did he do to them?" James wanted to know.

"He invoked the powers of Fic Magic and Karmic Justice!" Duo said, grinning maliciously. "Wufei would be so proud. Our bishonen got those fanfic writers all in a room together, and invoked the famous Boomerang Curse on them! 'I am rubber and you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!' And those fanfic writers suddenly found themselves giggling and crying and PREGNANT and wandering out to get gang-raped like a bunch of lobotomized IDIOTS and finding out the hard way that sex with a mecha is NOT! PRETTY!

"The End."

Duo bowed to laughter and applause, then said, "Ok, who's next? We're going to have another story, right? And some marshmallows, didn't we have marshmallows just a minute ago?"


"...thanks, I needed that. Damn, Nuriko, you hit too hard."

"My pleasure. Who wants to go next?"


on to the next campfire tale!